‘And If You Donate Now, We’ll Throw In a Copy of My Book …’

If you’re a regular visitor to HumaneWatch.org, our watchdog website that chronicles the activities of the Humane Society of the United States, you’ve seen “The Visual HSUS,” a graphic series exploring a side of the HSUS you never knew existed. Today’s entry, the third in that series, takes a fanciful look at what a fundraising letter from HSUS CEO Wayne Pacelle might look like if it were completely truthful.

“An (Honest) HSUS Fundraising Letter We’d Like to See” follows “Will the Real Wayne Pacelle Please Stand Up?” and “HSUS by the Numbers,” both popular images that have gone “viral” online. For only a few dollars, you can turn today’s new “Visual HSUS” image into a poster to surprise your favorite veterinarian, dog groomer, or pet boarder—or even just a pet-loving neighbor who’s fallen prey to HSUS's marketing spin.

Here are a few paragraphs that our fictional “Wayne” writes to potential HSUS donors:

Can you donate $1,000 or maybe $5,000? Can you put The HSUS in your will? Your grandma’s will? Will you donate your car? (Dogs walk. So can you.) Can you empty out some Ronald McDonald House collection jars and send that money to us? (Charity is charity, right?)

Perhaps your special gift to The HSUS will go towards hiring a lawyer to sue a farmer. (They deserve it!) Maybe you’ll help us print more copies of “KIND News” for grade-schoolers. (It’s never too early to start the indoctrination process!) Or your money could just end up in the pension plan. If we didn’t offer a fully funded retirement package, who would take this job? (Last Tuesday when we brought in the cheese-sniffing service dogs, it was pure chaos in this office, let me tell you.)

“If we just get a few more members,” our faux Wayne adds, “maybe Jack Hanna will return my phone calls.”

HumaneWatch will produce another entry in the “Visual HSUS” series every two weeks until … well, until everyone in America understands the difference between the Humane Society of the United States and a real “humane society” pet shelter—or at least until HSUS accepts our year-old challenge and earmarks half its income for the pet shelters that help the puppies and kittens in its TV ads. The clock's still ticking.

That could be a long, long time away. But we’ve got lots of spare electrons, and a web domain we plan to renew every year until the cows come home. So while we’re all waiting together, the least we can do is make you laugh. Click here to read issue #3 in “The Visual HSUS” series. And don’t forget to share it with a friend.