Latest Loony Animal-Lib Idea: Hamsters as Citizens

A Canadian professor and animal liberation activist is proposing a “radical” (read: ridiculous) approach to protecting animal welfare: Legal citizenship for animals. It’s more of that “only in academia” nonsense.

According to the activist, domestic animals—like pet dogs and cats—are part of our society, and accordingly deserve citizenship as legal recognition of their equal status. We suppose that means that dog treats and a scratching post won’t cut it for your pet’s “wages.”

The odd professor describes a bizarre, interspecies society where humans are apparently supposed to guess the preferences of different animals in order to accurately represent their political interests in government. (Are donkeys Democrats? Elephants Republicans? Porcupines big-“L” Libertarians?)

In this ludicrous alternate universe, animals that contribute to human industries would be taken seriously as employees, and granted workers’ rights—such as “the right to a retirement [and] the right to disability pensions.” We still can’t figure out exactly what an animal disability pension would look like. Perhaps a little extra hay in the animals’ trough? A fixed rate of free dog bones for life?

For someone whose preferred political system is based on the ability to correctly intuit the thoughts of animals, the Canadian professor could use a refresher course in mammalian biology. He explains that implementing these so-called “workers’ rights” would be complicated in the case of dairy cows, since “you only get milk from cows when they’re pregnant.” Um, no. A cow won’t start to produce milk until her first calf is born. After that, the cow will usually continue to produce milk for as long as she is milked.

As you might expect, this radical animal rights agenda ultimately demands a policy of universal veganism. (No surprises here).  After all, “We can’t go around eating our co-citizens.”

The plan for a vegan world takeover might seem too ludicrous to gain any traction. But prominent—albeit no less ridiculous—animal liberation groups like the deceptively-named People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) hold equally outlandish views. (Remember when a director of HSUS insinuated that farmers are running concentration camps?)

Here’s an easy solution to brain-dead ideas: Make sure you get enough Vitamin B12 in your diet.